We often joke that if only sex were as easy as Hollywood makes it seem, I’d be out of a job. But the truth is, many women—and therefore their partners—don’t really understand their own anatomy, arousal patterns, or why their experiences in the bedroom are so inconsistent. If sex feels like a struggle, you’re not broken. You’re also not alone.
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This conversation came up with multiple clients recently, and it’s one that needs to be talked about more openly: What women don’t know about sex is often exactly what’s keeping them from enjoying it. So let’s clear some things up.
The Clitoris Is the Star of the Show
First and foremost: the vaginal canal is not a woman’s primary sexual organ. The clitoris is.
We’ve said it before, but it bears repeating—because even when women technically know it, many still don’t functionally know it. Up to 80% of women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. And yet, most sexual scripts skip right over it. As a result, women are often left feeling like they’re the problem when intercourse alone doesn’t lead to pleasure.
But here’s the truth: penetrative sex, without clitoral involvement, is like trying to enjoy a symphony with the instruments still in their cases. No wonder so many women feel underwhelmed—or worse, in pain.
From Tunnel of Tolerance to Hall of Happiness
One phrase I jokingly coined with a client has stuck with me: the vagina is your tunnel of tolerance.
It’s not that women don’t care about intercourse—it’s that it often feels like something to “tolerate” rather than something to enjoy. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. With understanding and intention, that tunnel of tolerance can become a hall of happiness.
Pain and lack of pleasure aren’t flaws. They’re messages. Signals from your body, your nervous system, and your past experiences. And if you can learn to listen, you can start rewriting the story.
Why Sex Feels Different Throughout the Month
Here’s something most women don’t realize: your sexual sensitivity and uterine positioning actually change throughout your cycle.
Ovulation is generally the “golden window” for pleasure—estrogen is high, lubrication comes more easily, and arousal feels more accessible. But the weeks before and after? They can be wildly different. One week your clitoris might be hypersensitive (think “wet nipple times a thousand”), and the next you might need a metaphorical jackhammer to feel anything at all.
It’s no wonder so many women—and their partners—feel confused. If your body feels different every time, how can anyone get it “right”?
The answer: Awareness first. Then communication. Adjust. Your sexual needs aren’t static. They’re dynamic. And that’s normal. Not only is it normal, it can be great news because who truly wants a love life that is the same all the time?
The Invisible Brake Pedal
We all have internal “accelerators” and “brakes” when it comes to sex. But for women, the brakes tend to be more sensitive—especially if there’s been pain in the past.
When pain, fear, or shame is present, it stomps on the brake pedal—hard. Even if your partner is being attentive and kind, your nervous system may still say “nope.”
This isn’t about willpower or mindset. It’s about physiology. Your brain is wired to protect you. If sex has hurt before, your brain remembers. And it will try to warn you, even when there’s no immediate threat.
That’s why pelvic floor therapy isn’t just about the muscles—it’s about the messages. Rewiring those neural pathways takes time, compassion, and a willingness to listen to your body rather than fight it.
Safety: The Foundation of Pleasure
Orgasm is arguably one of the most vulnerable experiences a person can have. And for women, safety is the key that unlocks it.
But “safety” isn’t just about physical protection. It’s about emotional trust, body confidence, and nervous system regulation. It’s about knowing you can say “no” without backlash—or “yes” without pressure.
This is messy stuff. Because as much as women have the right to say no, men have the right to feel hurt or rejected. It’s the tension of mutual needs—and it requires real, grown-up conversations. The kind many of us were never taught how to have.
We help women navigate that messiness. Through nervous system support, mindset coaching, and sometimes just good old-fashioned encouragement to turn on the Christmas lights and put on the dress that makes you feel hot.
It’s Not About Magic Fingers
One of the most eye-opening things I teach women is this: pleasure is not a mystery—it’s a feedback loop.
If you feel like you’re the only one who knows what works “down there,” you’re not selfish or broken. You just have the fastest feedback loop. You know instantly if something feels good or doesn’t. That doesn’t mean your partner is clueless or incapable—it just means you need to work together, which requires more conversation and vulnerability.
Whether it’s adjusting angles, pressure, or pacing—figuring out what works is a shared process. And yes, sometimes it takes trial and error. But that’s not failure. That’s exploration.
The Postmenopausal Pause
While the focus of this blog is mostly on women with cycles, let’s not forget our postmenopausal sisters.
Lack of lubrication and thinning tissue are common—and they can make intercourse uncomfortable or even painful. But there are solutions. Vaginal estrogen, lubricants, and other therapies can make a world of difference. And let’s just say that certain types of stimulation still reign supreme, regardless of hormone levels.
More to come on this in a future blog, but for now: if your body is changing, that doesn’t mean your sex life is over. It just means it’s time to adapt.
You’re Not Broken
So many women walk through our doors convinced that they’re broken. They’ve ruled out infections and disorders, tried “just relaxing,” and maybe even lost hope.
What they haven’t tried is being taught what no one else ever told them—that their body is worthy of pleasure, capable of healing, and designed to respond when given the right care.
At Moment of Truth, we don’t just talk anatomy. We talk nervous systems. Emotions. Cycles. Communication. Confidence. Because healing and enjoyment go hand-in-hand.
Let’s Talk About It
This is the part where I tell you: you’re invited to a discovery session. It’s the starting point. It’s where we listen to your story, explore the root causes, and create a plan to bring joy back to your experience.
Whether it’s physical tension, past trauma, hormonal shifts, or just plain confusion—we’re here. With science, heart, and a whole lot of grace.
Because sex isn’t just a physical act—it’s a reflection of how we feel, connect, and show up in the most intimate parts of ourselves.
Let’s stop tolerating, and start thriving.
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