I needed that dam broken to have the breakthrough!
I’ve done a lot of work on mindset lately. Life of an entrepreneur I guess. If you want to grow, (whatever growth means to you) then you have to learn how to ask better questions, change your thinking, dig deeper. This also applies to healing. You can only take others as far as you yourself are willing to go.
Having a vision and taking the risk to see it realized has definitely brought on many opportunities for character development and attitude adjustments. Lately it’s felt like some things have just begun to pile up and the hits just kept coming. It often feels like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Amazing how that can happen even in the midst of lots of good things. Chaos is chaos and even good things can feel overwhelming. I’ve been reeling this week. Stuff with our new building. A close friend telling me she is moving away. Trevor struggling then stayed home from school. Again.
I’m so grateful for one event that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. In this case, it was news that left me completely undone, sobbing for quite some time. But then, quite literally, came the dawn.
I could go on a whole separate tangent about the importance of routine but I won’t. I got up and was following my normal routine of prayer and journaling, goal setting and prioritizing for the day and wasn’t quite sure how I would have any fortitude in the gym. As Jody Messina once said, “my give a damn’s busted”. Great song. I arrived at the gym and told my coach, “I’m in just a bad enough mood to get through this.” Again this post is not about working out so I will avoid that tangent as well, but needless to say, digging in during my workout helped to clear my head, gain focus and remind me of the inner strength I possess.
I’ve had a pattern in my life where I prefer anger to grief because it often feels easier to control. This is a lie that I have steadily dealt with, embracing the learning that only grief can bring. I’ve come to appreciate the deep cleansing of a cry session that leaves you completely rung out yet feeling lighter. I’ve also learned the value of honoring my own feelings, appreciating awareness and inviting the powerful notion I learned from Brene Brown: strong back, soft front, wild heart. I refuse to let unfelt emotions limit me.
Some other circumstances that transpired brought me to another crossroads where I could choose how I wanted to react. This chain of events was very valuable in helping me recognize that I am no longer willing to put energy into things I can’t control. For me, this helped with letting go of frustration, that futile spinning thing I sometimes do, mentally or physically. This also meant not losing focus or losing sight of what I’m truly being called to in this season.
I in no way have any intention of minimizing or discounting the need to honor a true grieving process or the processing of any emotions, but the clarity that came in that moment was so freeing. Awareness is critical for transformation. We can’t change our story until we own our story (pretty sure I got that from Brene too). I instantly felt lighter, clearer and more capable of deciding how I wanted to move through the rest of my day. The process has continued throughout this week and I’ve felt each wave of emotion as it has come, reminding myself: strong back, soft front, wild heart. That phrase keeps me open from my heart, confident in where I can draw strength from (for me the Holy Spirit) and lets be continue to be free to feel and bless those around me with my wild heart.