I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the actual transformation into motherhood, which is so much more than the pregnancy, the birth classes, the delivery and the recovering. And with Mother’s Day just behind us, it seemed like a good time to reflect and make some sense of these thoughts.
One thing we talk with clients about often is the time and energy that is put into the birthing classes and thinking about the delivery and what we are wanting. Post-partum recovery is slowly gaining more attention but is still woefully lacking. However, one topic isn’t even on the list at all.
The transformation that the parents are about to go through as two individuals and a couple if they are in a relationship, is rarely discussed and certainly not truly nurtured or supported. This transformation is FOREVER. Regardless of your marital status or life circumstances, you will be forever changed and that could be developed and empowered in such an extraordinary way if we just shifted a few paradigms and added to the education during pregnancy.
- Sex life – changes, expectations, the way back
- Body – changes, perception
- Emotions – hormones, baby blues
- Sense of self – when you have a child, you are never the same, your heart forever lives outside your body, your identity is permanently shifted
- Relationship – yes this is a separate topic from sex life! Intimacy, communication
Each of these could probably have a whole book written about them and maybe this will turn into a series, but for now I’m going to focus on our sex lives because my clients and I discuss this literally EVERY DAY!
Did you see my post about pancakes versus waffles and managing syrup?
Check it out here.
This concept plays heavily into the bedroom. Let’s be honest. Most of us have 36 things on our to-do list and time for maybe 8. We are juggling and spinning the plates and sometimes sex feels like just another thing on the list. Our mindset around this is completely our responsibility. I’m mostly speaking to the ladies because we are typically the ones managing the gallons of syrup and because most often, men are ready to go at a moment’s notice. Men – hopefully this brings value to you by gaining awareness about the dynamic going on and helping your partner create margins.
What are margins? Literally wiggle room – gaps in the schedule (yes this is possible), downtime, planned time for recharging our batteries. If you don’t know what recharges your batteries, you need to spend some time reflecting on this, writing it down. The Myers-Briggs or Enneagram personality tests can be super helpful with this.
Getting “in the mood” takes headspace, energy, mindfulness and if there are no gaps, no margins, this is far more challenging than it should be. We are all different in terms of what senses are most heightened so this may take some reflection as well. Here are some of my personal tips.
Music – put something on that makes you feel sexy or think loving/sexy thoughts about your partner. For me this is country music. Dancing with my husband is my all-time favorite thing on the planet and a couple songs can really put me in a loving mood.
A shower – feeling clean or fresh makes me feel more attractive.
Tasks being done – ok stay with me. I know this doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with the bedroom, but it goes back to the syrup analogy. When my husband handles the kids, or the dogs, or does some food prep or cleans up the kitchen (basically take any of my nighttime tasks off my plate), he is GIVING ME MARGINS.
For some, wearing something sexy makes them feel more attractive or in the mood.
Others enjoy candles or specific scents to trigger those intimate feelings. You have to find what works for you.
Ok – are you guys ready for the magic? My best possible tip and breakthrough concept?
Do you remember your first kiss? The tingling, the awkwardness, the excitement?
What would you give to experience that first kiss feeling again? Even that first time being intimate?
Ok – are you ready for my revolutionary idea?
What if instead of trying to “get back to having sex after baby”, we recognized the opportunity for a whole NEW HONEYMOON phase? It’s possible.
After delivering a baby, even via C-section, our bodies are different, things feel different, our hormones are different. Most of the time, we unfortunately resent this and scramble desperately and unsuccessfully to get back to how it was before. What if we shifted this thinking and embraced the opportunity for a whole new season of discovery?
Ask some newlyweds or those who have just been together for the first time. It’s not like the movies people! There is awkwardness. There is figuring it out. Sometimes we aren’t always honest at first. It’s often this way after baby as well. Women often feel guilty for how long their partner has had to go without. Sometimes it’s not just post-partum but often things aren’t good or possible towards the end of pregnancy either so it’s very common for it to have been 6-12-18+ weeks. Staying connected is a real challenge. But we could have this to look forward to.
C’mon people. Someone got Babymoons going as a thing where couples get away one last time before baby arrives. This will be the PostBabymoon – maybe a wordsmithy person can help with a better title.
A time for discovery – again. For enjoying the newness all over. All with the more relaxed baseline of expecting this. With knowledge about your body and the changes and how to make the most of it in a positive way. So, who wants in on this? We’re thinking of a workshop. Sex 2.0.